CULTURE GIVES ME A HARD-ON
What do you think?
You hate it and you think it sucks.
It blows. You think it fucking blows.
Awesome! So you think it's awesome.
Fuck yeah! Yes sir.
Hi! I'm number seven. My name is Simón Holgado.
I'm 23 and, well, I guess you have my head shot and resume there.
That's fine Simón.
Now imagine she's the girl of your dreams.
And you're going to improvise a romantic scene.
You know, a summer night, moonlight and all that.
Blanca will follow your lead and respond if necessary. Got it?
You can start whenever.
So what you're saying is I'm on my own now?
Ok, not a problem.
Just give me a sec. To concentrate, ok?
Another method actor.
How can I put into words
all this passion that I feel inside?
How can I forget that it was on a night like this one,
with the same moon up above,
that our hearts finally came together
and began to beat as one?
That was a long time ago,
more than a year spent trying to silence that deepest desire.
And today I wonder: Do you still love me?
How can you have any doubts when my body and soul,
my very self, longs to be one with you?
That's it! That's exactly what I was getting at!
Because in all this time, all this talk about the coming together of bodies,
more like the coming together of nothing.
And the spiritual part
is ok.
But the physical is so important.
And I need to put out this inner fire
by caressing you,
possessing you,
penetrating you.
I want you to take me to the paroxysm of pleasure.
I want you to get me drunk on sex. I want...
I want you to suck my dick!
A genius.
The man's a genius.
Covered in dark chocolate,
slivered almonds...
Baked fresh by our very own pastry chef, a true work of art
for only 45 euros.
And how much for this other one?
Industrial cake making. A much poorer example.
Glucose gelatin frosting on top of lady fingers.
High in cholesterol,
saturated fats, acidifiers,
artificial coloring E-150 and soy lecithin flavoring: 14.80 euros.
- Like I said, a lesser cake. - At least it doesn't have preservatives.
Yes, those too: E-338, 345
and 331, the colon cancer special.
Sounds delicious. Of course, there's the price.
We're talking about Art versus imitation,
Man versus the machine.
So, which will it be?
- That one. - That one.
Ok, so we're going in?
It's for sure, right? Now, this very morning.
Friend.
Ok, understood.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes.
Yes, at this hour there'll be a big group.
- I'll be with them, of course. - Watch good, waterproof.
And cheap for you.
Twenty euros.
No, they're not expecting anything.
Fifteen?
Chief, present for you, friend, present from me to you.
Goodbye chief.
Eviction notices?
They have them, only they use them to wipe their asses.
Give me back my keys.
You don't understand. My hands are tied.
Oh really? I hadn't noticed them tied in bed. The keys.
As long as there aren't any changes in programming
we can't do anything and you know it.
No, the only thing I know is that we had a very simple agreement:
You got in my panties and I got on the midday news.
And since I'm not presenting the news,
you're not presenting yourself in my house. The keys.
You know something? I think I'm going to give them to Valdés.
I've noticed that every time I cross my legs,
- his wires cross. - To that pig!
And why not, he's from the same pigsty as you?
Plus, he's the "honey baked ham" of this station
and you, my dear, are nothing more than "spam".
I'll get him to ask me out for dinner
and get him eating out of the palm of my hand with some black stockings,
some sexy lingerie
and a tight little dress.
So I'll have to go shopping this afternoon.
And, if you don't mind, I'll ask your wife to come with me.
It's so boring going from store to store alone.
What are you saying? Don't even think about it!
You wouldn't do that to me, would you?
All set. We can go whenever you're ready.
The only role I'm going to be doing is rolling a joint.
The third millennium
and these losers are stuck in Romeo and Juliet!
It's not about tender looks and drippy phrases anymore, right?
Forget about them, man!
What they need to understand avant-garde romanticism
is to catch a mean case of crabs. Let's move.
That bite their balls little by little
with their hands tied so they can't scratch, itching like a motherfucker!
No. They're going to shit themselves, though literally.
When they realize their helmet's gone.
You "socialized" the director's helmet!
But what for, we don't have a motorcycle?
- To give it to Grandpa. Grandpa's gift. - That's perfect!
Grandpa as a biker.
Wow, Grandpa, this is unbelievable,
you're so good-Iooking in this one.
Come on, I'm sure back then you got all the women.
What are you talking about!
Why do you think I joined the Communists?
To fuck the Republicans! Because...
the Nationalist women,
good-Iooking yes, better built
and better fed,
but...
with all those masses and communions...
mortal sin! And no hanky panky.
That's enough, Vero!
Enough of this mystery and bullshit,
you have me locked in here,
and without my breakfast!
No, Grandpa. Wait just one second.
And all of those stories
about the militia women being so liberated?
Because not everyone is the same.
I'm sure that some of them weren't up for it.
No way! What else are you going to do in the trenches for months on end.
No food, freezing cold, and not knowing
if you'll be alive the next day and without television.
You did it there?
With all those people, in the mud, and without any privacy?
My God! Verónica!
It's like everything else in Spain, girl.
Everyone watching and only one person working.
Wow, Grandpa, she's so pretty.
- Is she one of them? - Bring that here.
She is...
different:
Irina,
from the international brigades.
A different breed.
Not the same at all.
So what happened?
She left for Moscow
and I never saw her again, ever.
But were you lovers?
One second, Vero. Didn't you tell me that you were a virgin?
Then what's with all the interest
in my leftist sexual activities?
No Grandpa, it's the truth.
I still haven't slept with anyone.
But that doesn't mean that I don't like guys.
I don't know,
it's something else. Like you say.
Yeah, I know.
Not only are you thin, you're also narrow minded.
Is that it?
No, Grandpa,
it's just that for a woman the first time is really important,
and if you have a bad experience
then your karma suffers the consequences
and it brings you bad luck.
And then gives bad vibes
to the whole next generation. Do you understand me now, Grandpa?
No.
But it is so simple, Grandpa.
It's all about finding a parallel karma complementary to your own
and then coinciding in the perfect cosmic moment, that's all.
Now just between us, what the hell kind of drugs are you on?
Me?
Finally! It's about time, don't you think?
- After you, Grandpa. - What were you up to?
A coffee, I need a coffee, right now.
- Quickly, a hot coffee! - Fresh made.
And give me that, joints kill!
Happy Birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday, dear Grandpa,
happy birthday to you.
To hell with happy birthday!
Knock on wood!
This looks like a wake!
But Grandpa, 90 years means 90 candles.
Since they didn't all fit on one cake, we had to put them somewhere.
Come on, don't act so tough, today is your day.
Here.
A gift from all of us.
But you shouldn't have troubled.
At my age, I don't know,
it would've been enough to just...
A helmet.
A helmet?
You're gift is a helmet?
Take it easy, Grandpa. Of course it's a helmet.
Have you gone blind too at your age?
Now you can drive your wheelchair without getting a ticket.
Also, this is a special helmet.
Imagine you are going down the street and you have to take a dump.
You turn it over and use it as a bedpan.
And what's more: Frontal drainage, like washing machines.
Cool, huh?
And that's not everything.
Goyita, the master of spray-paint, has something awesome to show you.
What are you guys trying to do, ruin my day?
This is "The Last Supper"...
and I'm Jesus!
Erase it!
Erase it, everything!
Come on, Grandpa.
Now the most important thing is your wish.
Make a wish before you blow out the candles.
Blow out the candles? All of them?
Me?
No, not me, I'm ninety years old.
And a lifelong smoker.
I would blow my guts out more likely.
Ok, let's do something.
First, just concentrate.
Think only about your wish
and we'll project all of our energy towards making it come true.
Then try to blow out the candles on the cake.
And we'll blow out the rest.
- Ok? - Ok.
Concentrate on your wish.
Are you making a wish?
- Yes, yes. - Ok.
On the count of three, we'll all blow them out.
One,
two,
three!
We are currently witnessing a brutal police retaliation in response
to the violent reaction of the squatters!
Get this! Get this!
Wait, I am... I am...
We have with us one of the survivors of this eviction.
How does it feel to be the victim of police brutality?
Well, I'm not really part of the group.
I just came here with Simón.
Fuck, it hurts. How do you think it feels
when they're beating the shit out of you?
At least there used to be a dialogue with the cops:
"Why have you come to fuck with us today?"
They would respond:
"Our job is to get you out however we can".
And you could understand that. And then all hell would break loose.
Don't you think that in the end it's the same old story?
Rebelling against authority. Anarchy versus order.
I don't know,
We don't hurt anyone. And if you think that these pigs represent order
I can assure you that they give beatings without taking names.
- You! - You!
It is very, very important
that we give you the glamour
of an American presidential election.
Osvaldo Ballesteros, the perfect president:
A cultured and attractive "moderate" socialist,
and the father of a model son.
At the head of the PCP,
the new Popular Castrist Party.
Of course in these cases, merchandizing is of vital importance:
Stickers, buttons, maracas, baseball caps
and...
the King.
What? What do you think?
Wait a second,
what happened to my sideburns?
Yes?
Dear Ambassador!
Everything ok, Mister Patrick.
My English? Perfect, yes, yes.
No, no, no. Commander Fidel still hasn't spoken.
But this time he will announce it for sure.
Excuse me, Mr. Osvaldo.
Cuban television is going
to emit a statement from the Commander right now.
Just to let you know.
Well dammit, don't just stand there, turn it on.
No, no, no. I didn't mean you, Mister Patrick.
Néstor?
Don't worry, a very big patriot
and national boxing hero, right Néstor?
Madison Square Garden,
packed to the rafters, tenth round.
Nestor Cienfuegos in the ring
with the very same "Kasius Klein"
and he throws him a straight left.
Glorious fight. Lost.
Gringo bastards.
No, no, of course, Mister Patrick.
Of course I wasn't talking about you.
What are you waiting for?
Go and get some rum for a little drink with my fiends here.
You know which one.
Mister Patrick.
Thank you, thank you.
AMBASSADOR
Yes, yes, of course, of course, Mister Patrick.
When I am elected president everything will be fine
and we'll do a lot of business together.
Now don't forget.
You know that the American people and the Cuban people
have always been indebted to one another.
Of course, of course...
And remember, for the time being not to mention this.
Of course, don't worry about anything.
This matter has my utmost discretion.
Ok, so that all our viewers can understand, tell us,
what did this building mean to you?
Well, it meant everything.
Because it was an empty and unused building
that we converted into a self-sufficient
and alternative cultural space.
We made something where there wasn't anything
and you could ask people from the neighborhood. They're grateful.
When we organize a concert or something,
they attend and have a good time and it's cool, know what I mean?
It's not like those girlfriends that just leave you gutted.
Or that won't screw you because they're with someone else.
When a guy gives himself to a cause
it's like when he falls for some heartless bitch.
You give your all, you take care of her and,
when you least expect it, you wake up one day
in the fucking street looking like an asshole.
And no word from you since.
What's this idiot saying? Sign off and lets go.
The studio called and we're going
to the Cuban Embassy. Come on, come on.
And later on you're still so messed up.
Do you have some kind of explanation for all this? Let's hear it.
Why, eh? Why?
And there you have it, why?
That is the question that we must all ask, why?
Cristina Melero for Canal On.
Signing off and we're out of here.
It was great to see you again, but I'm kind of in a hurry.
And you're going to leave me... leave "us" just like that?
I'm not done!
What do you want me to do?
You know how it is. We go where the story is.
And when one is aired
it's on to the next, Chuso!
You're already yesterday's news.
Grandpa turned 90 today, 90 years of action and radical protest.
Grandpa's birthday!
What a touching exclusive!
And he's a squatter like us, and an anarchist and
a defender of the Third World and gay collectives.
No, not them.
Ah, no? And why not?
What a bitch.
So we're not news anymore...
Not good, you try take glasses.
You want glasses, you pay ten euros.
Hey, hey, easy. I was only going to try them on.
Good. Try glasses, good. Glass no break.
No break.
Ten euros.
Ten euros? And you're sure they won't break?
No break.
Well, let's see if you're trying to cheat me.
And now what?
How much are they worth now?
Half five and half five, ten euros.
You break on purpose!
Come on, come on, get going.
Come on guys, everyone in the van, I have an idea. Let's go!
What are you up to now?
To give those TV guys hell until they notice us.
Now I get it. And if you get
a piece of ass from that reporter girl, well, even better!
Because the two of you have some history goin' on
and I want to hear what it is.
Broke glass.
Eh, scarf, scarf, scarf!
Has stole scarf!
Come on, come on! Get in!
Go, Chuso, go!
I don't get it, first you send me to that shit-hole and now you want me
to land an exclusive interview with the Cuban Ambassador.
I owe you one. And you're the best, the most prepared...
The only one available, don't bother. Now to the point; what's this about?
Fidel showed up in the middle of the night
at the Cuban television station to record a surprise statement.
- The way he likes to, you know. - Yeah, I know.
And what did he say?
No idea. Nobody knows anything.
There haven't been any leaks and the strangest thing...
Our brakes don't work and I don't even have a driver's license.
Is that story enough for you?
- Only if you crash. - Fine!
Don't go too far 'cause you're gonna get one.
NIGHTSTICKS ENGLISH FOR POLICE OFFICERS
Repeat.
Hey kid, put your hands over your head.
That's it.
Assholes! Those guys are crazy!
Chuso, stop! What are you doing?
Right! That's it! Stop or...
Stop or I'll shoot you.
We are here in front of the Cuban Embassy,
anxiously waiting to find out the contents of the surprise statement
made by the Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, on Cuban television.
Contrary to other occasions, this time we do not know...
Shit!
It looks like it has brakes after all.
Only problem is it's still making that noise.
Oh well, could be worse.
We're not bothering you are we?
- Name. - Martín Martínez Cabrera.
Purpose of your trip?
Business.
Sir, no one's going to swallow that guava.
I'll put "Business" here or whatever you want.
But don't you forget to bring a big ole bag of condoms,
'cause they're expensive and not so easy to get there.
Condoms? But I'm not going for...
Nothing. Only business.
Of course. It says here nice and clear:
"Profession: Radiator Salesman."
That's good business, selling heaters in Cuba.
What do you want?
Don't we look toasted enough?
Huge ladies man is what you are.
Don't try to play it off, I can see it all.
I'm a santera.
Omo-Yemayá, my love.
Santera?
Well, how nice, no?
Fellow Cubans:
I am here today
to bring you a message
of optimism and compromise for the future.
That same future that those who have imposed
an asphyxiating embargo
since the revolution in 1959
have been trying to deny us.
All his life in power
and no one has ever told him that olive green is not his color.
And all this, because we haven't accepted
either the madness of neo-liberalism
or the fierce capitalism that they propose.
All because we haven't given in
to the idea of seeing our beloved Old Havana
with a McDonald's on every corner
and certainly
because we didn't want
to call our Salsbury steaks "hamburgers".
Thank you, comrade Raúl. Thank you, comrade Ventura.
He said Ventura!
He knows my name! He knows what my name is!
He knows everything.
And the heroic Cuban people, who have resisted with honor,
who have never compromised their convictions,
who have been unjustly accused
of being a people without freedom,
Today, these heroic people
stand ready
and committed to initiating
our process
of revolutionary rectification.
And in order to carry out
this process,
this process of...
of...
"Fidel's Speeches". A model for clumsy political speaking.
... of revolutionary rectification...
Say it, dammit!
...is the reason why... - Go on already, say it!
... we have decided to...
to announce free elections in Cuba!
To Victory. Always!
Yes! Yes! Ok!
We'll see each other in the elections.
To victory! Barbatruco!
Azúcar!
Let me be the first to congratulate you, "Mr. President".
Not yet, not yet.
"Future".
"Future President".
It's not the end of the world.
Even though there are elections doesn't mean we have to vote.
Now you listen to me.
If the Commander says that there are going to be
free and democratic elections, then we all have to vote!
And those who don't vote will be thrown in jail!
And we hope to be able to offer you the first statements
of the Cuban Ambassador after Fidel Castro's unexpected speech
announcing the holding...
- That could have killed me! - Are you ok?
- But Grandpa... - That was awesome, Grandpa!
- What are you doing, Goyita? - Outlining the body.
There they are!
- The brakes don't work! - We've got them now.
- The brakes don't work! - They don't?
Fuck, the van!
Comrade, this is complete mayhem!
I'm going to see what I can do!
You're in for it, you little shits!
Stop or I'll shoot!
Well, well, well, like a boat of illegals!
To the embassy! Go get an interview with the ambassador,
the spokesperson, or whoever the fuck,
- but do it now! - Of course, shit!
To the embassy, guys, the cops can't go in there!
Goddammit, this fucking holster!
Let me see your documentation!
What do you think you're doing? Go back, go back!
This is an invasion of Cuban territory!
To hell with freedom of expression!
Ok, we did get a little carried away with you out there,
- but fuck, let's talk! - Get lost, Chuso. The ambassador?
Upstairs in his office. But he's in a meeting.
Stop, dammit! You're not going up
- by pushing and shoving like that. - Not even God himself's getting past me.
What are you saying? God doesn't exist, idiot.
Maybe you haven't heard of freedom of information but,
if Castro wants a democratic Cuba,
- you'll have to get used to it. - Well said, miss.
Because in the new Cuban state,
freedom of expression will be in the grasp of all citizens.
We are done with the age of silence.
We are done with repression.
- We are done with the lies! - We are done with the interview.
Comrade ambassador, you know that we cannot comment on anything
until we have received instructions from Havana.
RaúI, you are such a numbskull!
These formalities are getting boring already!
No. And let me remind you that they are not formalities,
they are orders, comrade.
And you, Néstor, guard the door
and don't let anyone in or out.
What does it mean to you to have free elections in Cuba?
Great question! That's enough!
How do you think he feels if he's never voted in his life?
Don't worry, just do your thing, go guard the door.
Do you think this news will affect daily life in Cuba?
You heard Commissioner RaúI, miss. I can only say that the Cuban people
- have been, are, and forever will be... - Cuban. Right?
- Or not... - So you work at the embassy?
- No. I just came to get a visa. - Is the trip for business or pleasure?
Yeah. Yeah. Business, business.
Of course, a great fucking business!
Yeah, like trade a couple of stockings for a couple of suckings!
No. What's with everyone? Only business.
And are you also a santero?
That's enough! They threw you out, so you know, one eviction means
another occupation, so why don't you all just go to hell?
Look for a toilet, get in,
you can make your little demands and I can do my job!
It turns me on when you get angry.
And me. I'm getting heated up too.
So the reporter turns you on too. Eh, Grandpa?
No, it's not that, man!
It has nothing to do with that.
Heated up, of course I'm heated up. I'm mad. It makes me so mad.
- But she's right. - About what?
- About ignoring us? - Well yes.
Yes she's right,
we look like a big squad of idiotic assholes.
First of all, they give us a beating in one place,
then we run somewhere else following the television crew,
it was a fucking miracle that we didn't get killed in the van,
by the grace of God.
We almost run over a ton of people
and two cops who later want to shoot us.
Then we don't have any better idea than to run into the Cuban Embassy
so that they can take us prisoner. Shit!
Our Civil War was a lot more relaxed than this!
That's what we're talking about.
According to the guerilla warfare manual:
"If a superior enemy attacks, get the fuck out of Dodge".
What would you have us do?
Do something besides going back and forth wildly
from one place to another.
And not this either anymore, because now, the Cubans have decided
that we have to stay here. Great.
Well, then let's do something,
or I'm going to start feeling like an old man.
I don't know...
break the windows, piss on the rugs,
kill them with our farts,
burn down the embassy...
Squat here as a form of protest.
Now that would make for a good story, Chuso.
Meeting!
Ok! Ok! Listen! It's not so hard to understand!
They don't want to let us out because that mob of reporters might get in.
Fine, but the fact is that they have us by the balls!
So we can either fold our arms and show Grandpa we're a bunch of losers,
or we can stir shit up in here with the Cubans!
Yes, that's it! All in favor of squatting here, raise your hand!
Like in the trenches, Grandpa?
Like in the trenches, Vero, like in the trenches.
I mean, does nobody here realize that we're going to commit a crime?
You don't get it! This is a protest!
This is ideological squatting, in protest.
It'll allow us to use the television to make our demands:
To get back our cultural center
and to leave us alone to do what we want.
But we are still squatting here and that's still a crime.
And in this case, an international one.
No fucking way! Don't be so uptight!
Crime? The real crime is the price of hash or a hit of acid these days.
That's it, dammit! We're going to do it.
And let Fidel come if he has the balls!
Come on, man, shit.
It was brutal.
To them we're only a bunch of dirt bags.
And everyone that becomes a part of our cause is immediately turned
into a dangerous anarchist or an urban pirate without giving us
an opportunity for dialogue because they have systematically refused
to listen to us, forcing us to take a more radical stand.
Therefore, we have met and decided
to declare the ideological occupation of the Cuban Embassy,
as a means for our active non-violent resistance.
Because it's our only alternative to demand they give us back
our cultural center known as "The Factory",
as well as the right to manage it ourselves.
"Don't let the truth ruin a good story."
Also get rid of the "ideological" part.
- Done. - Good.
Now let's lower the lighting a bit and add contrast to everything.
- How's that look to you? - That's it.
Now we only have to fix his voice.
Increase the bass, add some distortion and we've got it!
Let's watch the whole thing, from the top?
Ok, let's see it.
In response to the brutal persecution of our anarchist group
by the repressive forces of the state, to violently and systematically demand
the meeting of our ideals, we have decided to radicalize our actions
and declare our occupation of the Cuban Embassy as a form of active resistance.
Ready to air! Good work!
What do you think?
Convincing. They're going to be up in arms.
We want to...
We want to speak to the...
To the leader of the group!
Leader of the group!
We want to speak...!
You're not alone, we're with you!
Mr. Ambassador, there's just a pathetic handful of them?
And they're not armed.
Don't worry then. What you need to do is
ask for permission from your government for us to enter the Embassy.
We'll take care of it. Call us as soon as you have news.
Perfect.
- Sergeant. - Yes sir, Commissioner!
Stop being such a moron! And quit with the megaphone bullshit!
- What channel's airing the images? - Canal On.
Let's see that video, Cifuentes.
I'm Commissioner Burgos and this...
I don't fucking believe it, son of a bitch!
What an asshole, right, Commissioner?
Asshole?
Did you just call him an asshole?
Well, this "asshole" was able to take over a whole embassy,
while you, Cifuentes,
aren't even capable of putting on your hat correctly. Get out of here!
- And get them to rope off the area. - Yes, sir!
Good. Now let's see the tape.
Yes, of course, no problem!
And what are their conditions? They haven't said anything?
The thing is that it's not very clear. No idea.
The truth is that it isn't very clear, no.
And I'm not willing
to let a small piece of our revolutionary country
serve as a platform
for the residue
of the capitalist society.
So you must put an end to this farce for once and for all.
Don't worry, my Commander,
everything is under control.
It is a very small group,
and in my opinion, if you give the police authorization to enter...
The police?
Now you listen to me, Osvaldo Ballesteros:
We haven't spent the last forty years resisting the Yankee imperialism
to now have the oppressing forces
of a capitalist country
cross our border.
You are the only one responsible for getting us out
of this bad situation.
I would hate to have to call you again,
and I'm sure that you would hate it too.
RaúI!
One day you'll have to tell me your secret
- to getting here so quickly. - Of course. Actually...
Not now, dammit, not now!
Right now what I need is to throw out those bastards.
We need to take care of this zoo immediately,
before the Commander in Chief loses his temper.
But that's impossible!
In order to kick them out I would have to open the gate,
and all of those reporters
would invade us. Do you see what I'm saying?
Don't give me the runaround.
If we want to walk on water we have to get our feet wet!
You can't do it peacefully? So do it another goddamn way!
You trained in guerilla warfare in Angola and the Congo.
You were the army assistant to the Soviets in Havana, weren't you?
Well, assistant, assistant... more like
a tour guide, prostitute administration...
Stop playing dumb
and kick their asses out the door!
Ambassador.
Oh, yes, but without anyone knowing; don't leave a mark.
So anyway Infovisión is now offering us a permanent contract,
a fortune and the three o'clock news.
That's what you wanted, wasn't it?
I wouldn't even think twice about it.
It's always the same old story,
if you want to get ahead in this business,
you have to break the rules. Period.
That doesn't bother me.
The only period I'm worried about not getting is my own.
And if Jorge agrees that we switch to Infovisión, then fine by me.
What do you say?
That I'm taking off this "Canal On" sticker.
Fuck yeah! You're the bomb.
Hey, one question.
Any of you any good at that graffiti stuff?
Now listen, come here.
I know that you're trying to put up a fight
to those capitalist dogs. And I'm in complete agreement.
But please, you must leave here at once, comrades.
- This situation is already untenable. - Ha! No way!
First we can't leave and now you want us to get the hell out?
What's this, National "do-whatever- comes-out-of-my-ass" Day?
We're not leaving, especially not with "Beatings without Borders" out there.
Do you think that I don't know how you feel?
You need a revolution,
and I understand that perfectly.
Don't forget that in 1956
Comrade Fidel took off for the mountains
with a handful of men.
And he raised hell up there because,
like you, he had an ideal,
he had an enemy,
- and he had the people behind him. - Enough of this nonsense!
What he had was a rifle.
I told you to throw them out, not bore them to tears
so get your priorities straight before I explode!
Don't you come checking up on me!
I was on the verge of convincing them!
Néstor, take the "King". Give a good thrashing
to the first one that gets tough, no reservations!
Now listen to me!
Gentlemen, don't you realize
that these actions are making a mockery of Cuba?
Of Cuba, or of you?
Confiscate that camera immediately!
- I can't. - What do you mean?
They won't give it to me.
Like hell they won't!
That's all the chances that these little shit-head morons are going to get!
But what are you doing?
Give me the pistol, you idiot.
No, no! I said no!
Ok! You can have the camera. That's it, calm down, ok?
But we haven't had money to buy bullets since '92.
That was the last one. I was saving it in case the Commander needed it.
Well, what are we gonna do? No bullets, no camera.
What is wrong with you guys? Are you out of your minds or what?
Dad!
What's going on here? Has the war started without me?
Great!
It's the little princess!
This is Commissioner Burgos, what?
Can you just stand still for once, Cifuentes!
And put away the gun before you shoot me!
What's going on, what was that shot?
Look, it's very simple.
It was an "accidental" shooting.
But everything's under control
and looks like it is returning to normal here.
Normal, you say?
And my balls are daisies,
because this is a bomb!
A bomb?
A bomb? Inside here? No, Commissioner.
The "heart", the "bomb", you know.
After the shot was fired, understand?
You are so observant!
Nothing gets by you!
Right now I'm a little busy.
- I'll call you later. - I'm outta here.
In the name of the Blessed Virgin, what are you thinking?
What am I thinking? Could it be that I am bored
and I have nothing better to do with my time,
too fucking bad!
Welcome to the show, Grandpa. You're going to make us rich!
What is all this shit about there being a bomb?
- Do we have images from inside? - They are on live, Commissioner!
Wait one second, Grandpa, aren't you a pacifist?
Pacifist? Of course!
As well as a dynamite expert in the Langreo Mines!
But if they want to ignore us when we're playing nice,
then here, they get me, a senior citizen terrorist.
And with Alzheimer's and that stuff
I'm even scarier!
Yes, I understand you.
You have every reason in the world to be angry.
But I don't know... I'm a little scared, Grandpa.
I'm afraid they'll put you in jail and I won't get to see you anymore.
Relax, relax. Don't worry about anything, Vero.
If they catch me, it will be the same as with Pinochet:
"Humanitarian reasons" and they'll let me the hell out.
He's crazy. Don't you see that he's gone senile?
- Aren't you going to do anything? - This is the fucking perfect moment
for you to start harping on us.
That's not it, dear.
I've actually never been clearer than I am now.
You are the one that has no clue as to what this is all about,
because you're so stuck up
that you piss perfume and fart through a straw.
You out there should know that I'm an asshole,
and if you don't give us back our cultural center,
which is also my home,
my goddamm house! Then I'll light the fuse
and leave these imbeciles
with a crater for an embassy!
Get everything ready, Cifuentes! I'm going in!
- I'm scared! Let's get out of here! - Do you want me to leave Chuso here?
Screw over the whole group and to hell with my ideals
or "brain farts", as you call them?
Do you really believe Grandpa's so nostalgic
about being a miner that he's going
- to blow up the embassy with us in it? - I don't know and I don't care!
And I definitely don't plan on sticking around here to find out,
or to get arrested because of your stuff! I've had it!
- Shit! - I told you, it's all shuttered up.
We'll see about that, and in any case, it's my problem.
But your problem is even worse.
Because you think you're doing something important
staying here and being true to your "principles",
while to the world you're just an idiot.
I love you too, but I don't feel like saving my own ass if it means
spending the rest of my life kissing everybody else's.
Or, in other words, to be more exact:
Fuck you! Ok?
What are you doing there?
I'm "Sleeping Beauty", what do you think?
Are you a moron or what?
Ambassador Osvaldo Ballesteros speaking, my Commander in Chief!
What kind of idiot are you, Osvaldo Ballesteros?!
Our Cuban state has always been
an unprecedented example of heroic resistance.
Until today, when everything has gone down the toilet
because you allowed
a miniscule group of ideologues
to bring chaos and anarchy,
finally putting a bomb
and holding us hostage inside our very own embassy!
- But you see, my Commander. - Shut up!
It is clear that to resolve this humiliating crisis
we need a political willpower that you don't possess,
and therefore, the time has come to demand
that you immediately resign from your post.
Comrade Raúl Ochoa?
Son, I'm sure that you continue your custom
of eavesdropping on all conversations.
So listen carefully to this: As of right now
and with all of the powers that this appointment entails,
I name you the new Cuban Ambassador to Spain.
My political career is over.
Son of a bitch, piece of shit!
I believe that you have a message for...
the Cuban people.
And with the television crew here
this is our opportunity!
Ok, Mister Ballesteros.
The moment has arrived
to unmask yourself.
Listen to me.
Look, I know that you prefer the good cigars,
but don't split hairs with me over this.
I looked for them and I couldn't find a single one, only these cigarettes.
But you'll have to forgive me.
Because I've got to ask you for a big favor.
And... we're on the air!
We are currently in the office
of the Cuban Ambassador to Spain, Mr. Osvaldo Ballesteros,
who has asked that our cameras be here
to make a statement to all of you.
Another clown just signed up for the circus.
...but we are sure that it will be of the utmost interest
due to the serious occurrences
that today have made this embassy
the center of everyone's attention.
Live for Infovisión, Mr. Ballesteros, Cuban Ambassador to Spain.
What do you mean Cuban Ambassador?
Whenever you're ready.
Well, I would first like
to thank this news team
for giving me the opportunity
to stand before all of you,
and especially the Cuban people.
What kind of story is this son of a bitch going to spit out now?
People who are demanding urgent changes
to our current system of government.
You will see that I am going to speak to you
about a political alternative,
one that has the greatest amount
of international support,
that will allow us to better face our destiny
with the security that there is a future.
A future?
I'm going to make sure
that you never have a future again!
Worm! Traitor!
And you,
get the hell out of here with your little camera!
You listen to me, RaúI. This is an attack on my human rights!
You don't have human rights!
You are nothing more than a foreign ass kissing suck up!
What kind of an idiot are you?
Don't you get that we are in a democracy now?
Yes!
But a Castrist one!
Because we don't want the Americans to come,
nor anyone else, to tell us what we have to do!
And that's the thing! Understand me? That's the thing.
Witchcraft? Voodoo?
White Magic,
or Black Magic passed on through the ages,
in secret,
by the sinister sorcerers of the satanic
and ancestral tribes?
That this prayer rises up to you.
You know the past, the present and the future.
And now for the translation. It's the shit, dude:
A bilingual fortune-teller who can clue us in to what's going on!
You are the guardian because Olofi gave you the keys.
...where the hostage situation continues among disturbing invocations.
But to whom, or to what?
That's the question we ask ourselves.
You may not enter, spirits of Darkness.
Only the Good can enter
and the Evil will stay outside.
Fly somewhere else, fly,
because Elegguá will never open my door for you.
And there you have it:
"Evil shall not enter."
This seems to be the fundamental goal
of these spells and exorcisms.
A goal that comes too late because, in reality,
the Evil is already here,
Hidden beneath the inoffensive appearance
of a handicapped old man, but willing to...
What the hell are you saying? Don't over do it
with the rhetoric, not that,
because I'll shove a stick of this dynamite up your ass
and get rid of your cellulite the explosive way!
Cellulite? Me? No.
Yes? No.
All of you are making a mistake.
There's no evil in the old man.
He doesn't want to do us any harm.
I know because I saw it in the coconuts.
And then I began to understand
that they have conjured a mysterious curse.
What curse? And no! That's not it! My home!
They have thrown me out of my home!
And I have to get it back
- or I'll blow us to Kingdom Come! - What else did you see?
¡Comrade Yolanda!
That's enough with the spells and witchcraft.
All of this stuff is no more than ideological diversionism.
But... what are you doing with the diplomatic sash, Comrade RaúI?
Ambassador. Comrade Ambassador RaúI Ochoa,
by direct appointment from the Commander in Chief.
And you,
give me one more chance and your attention here. Look.
I know that this situation is a big mess, but I have
a great offer that you won't be able to refuse.
Quick learner! One minute as the Ambassador
and already talking like the Home Shopping Network.
The issue is very clear.
You have demonstrated today
that you are capable of resisting
and staying firm in your fight
against the injustices of the capitalist system.
And it is for that that we need you.
Our Revolution needs more militants like you.
And so...
don't delay any longer... and start reading.
Go on, read it all.
Here.
"Cuba: Caribbean Sun". What an asshole! It's a travel brochure!
And don't ask how much the trip to Havana is going to cost you,
because the wheels are already in motion
to give you political asylum
and you will be our guests.
Us? In Cuba?
Are you crazy?
You think it over.
You only have to visit Cuba to enjoy all of her delights.
Don't forget that Cuba is known as the "Pearl of the Caribbean"
because it is a small country, but really beautiful.
And with a privileged climate that...
Shut up already! Do you want to shut up already!
We're not going anywhere! And especially not to an island
with a tropical climate and the fucking sea all around it!
Because I have a bitch of a rheumatism!
And I'm allergic to Fidel Castro.
What are you saying? To the Commander in Chief?
Yes! Yes. Yes. Because I'm Red, and Communist.
But Anarchist, shit!
Therefore, that means that you, sir,
are nothing more than a mean old pain in the ass!
The Ambassador and political attaché RaúI Ochoa on the line.
To whom am I speaking?
To Commissioner Burgos of the National Police Force.
Stop screwing with me and connect me with the Ambassador immediately.
This is not a time for playing games! Do you hear me?
How could I not hear you!
But you are not going to act tough with me because, as it should happen,
I am now the ambassador here
by direct appointment from the Commander in Chief!
Fantastic, this's fucking great!
Great! Well, if you are
the new ambassador,
listen to me and we'll try to understand one another.
I am coming in to negotiate with the hostage takers
and I want you to advise them and speak with them so that
they calm down and everyone stays calm, is that understood?
No, no.
It's not that simple.
You know that I cannot allow you to intervene in Cuban territory
without a direct order from Havana.
But look. If you want,
I'll put you on with the person responsible for this brouhaha
and hopefully you can sort this out, but over the phone.
Wait there and I'll hand you over.
Listen, stop this...
Hello.
- It's for you. - For me?
Hello!
It's been ages since anyone called me.
Hello!
This is Emiliano Carreño. Who is this?
Commissioner Burgos, National Police.
No, then it's not me. You talk!
It's the police and I'm also allergic to them!
What's going on here? Hello!
Yes?
About time, dammit! Who am I speaking to?
With Chuso Burgos.
Chuso Burgos.
Well. That's a nice last name.
You fucking irresponsible, useless,
immature shit! I'm going to beat you so badly that your own father
won't even recognize you! In other words, me!
- Dad? - Yes! Dad! Dad! Your father!
Not one word, Cifuentes,
or you'll be a beat cop for the rest of your life!
Dad? What do you mean "dad"?
Don't fucking tell me that your father is a cop?
And what can I do? It's nothing to brag about and I can't divorce him.
Can I ask what the hell you are doing?
Do you think it's normal that you leave home just like that?
We don't hear anything from you
and all of a sudden you are on the news for occupying an embassy
with a kamikaze grandfather who's holding half of Cuba hostage?
You can tell that he missed you.
And just wait until your mother finds out.
Because that's something else. She'll be hysterical, like always,
and unbearable!
Let's just solve this peacefully and stop making my life difficult!
End this shit and get the hell out of there!
Sure. Right now. As soon as you hang up
we'll go outside, get a few beers and have some laughs.
No, dad. You still don't understand
what this is all about? You know that Grandpa has the bomb
and he's not letting anyone out!
What do you want?
That we leave him alone to take all the blame himself?
- Don't bet on it! - That's it! You tell him!
Arguing with you is a waste of time!
You always have to have your way no matter what
and do whatever you want no matter the cost. Ok, fine.
If you insist on screwing this up,
then at least do it right and do it the usual way, dammit!
The thing with the damn cultural center
is an issue that the politicians have to resolve and I can't do anything.
In the meantime, you make a series of demands, and in exchange
let a couple of the hostages go!
The way it's always been done, dammit!
Don't freak out! Grandpa isn't letting anyone go!
But you do have a point and yes, we do have a few demands.
Because this morning your cop buddies busted in and fucked up our party,
and so now it's your turn to eat shit.
And in exchange you'll just have to accept
that we're having a good time in here and there's nothing going on.
So do you have a pen and paper?
..."old man"...
Shit!
I've always wanted to do this!
It's so queer.
Yes, but you see, I'm queer.
Then you didn't like it?
I only wanted to pay homage to you
because in Cuba I'm as cast out as the rest of you.
Yes! And our "homosexual comrade" was fucking fantastic.
Come on, don't be ungrateful.
And cheer up because now there's the cake and blowing out the candles.
Again? No way in hell.
I'm not blowing! It brings bad luck, dammit!
If I blow it will just ruin everything
and my wish will go all screwy, like it did this morning.
If you want cake then you blow!
Fine. We'll blow them out, don't worry.
Come on, let's blow already.
See how nothing bad happened?
And I made a wish for you.
You did, and what was it?
I can't tell you.
If I do it won't come true.
Come on, cut the cake.
With this? No way.
It would be an insult to the cake.
It's almost better to just grab it with our hands, in the end
it's going to be just as messy.
Fine, I'll do it for you.
Start passing me the plates.
The first piece is for the birthday boy.
Here, Grandpa.
- Give me two. - Two? Why two?
One for me and the other for Ana, but since she's blowing me off
screw her, and I'll eat it.
- Then I want two also. - What a lot of nerve!
- And why should you? - Same reason.
One for me and the other for Molinero. He's also disappeared.
That's right, fuck! Where did Moli run off to?
Here's our way out. I knew it.
What are you saying? Down here?
This must be the sewage system.
- It smells like shit! - Exactly! The sewers!
It works!
It's not like it's rock or some kickass metal record,
but it's what we've got so... Crank it up!
This is great! It's candela!
Come here. Don't you hear the telephone?
It sounds like it's from Havana.
Shit, it's him! It's the Commander in Chief calling, comrade!
And to top it off we are now celebrating the happy birthday
of the suicidal terrorist that has taken us hostage!
Magnificent!
We are the laughing stock of Miami
and all the rest of the capitalists!
Don't you have anything to say for yourself?
Yes, my Commander in Chief.
I mean, no, my Commander in Chief.
Thanks to your complete ineptitude
at finding a solution,
I was obliged to personally intervene in this affair
and take some categorical measures
I did not want to be forced to take!
I don't fucking believe it!
Wait! What?
You're shitting yourself! I know.
The frosting from the cake, but we have a problem.
There's no water and the fucking toilet is clogged.
Hold it a little longer, we'll have this fixed in no time. Give me a hand.
In accordance with the orders
given by the Commander in Chief, Fidel Castro,
you, RaúI Ochoa,
are dismissed from the post of Cuban Ambassador to Spain.
In addition to the dishonorable loss
of your military and political rank.
Good afternoon and thank you for making this station your choice
for up to date coverage of today's dramatic news
of the crisis at the Cuban Embassy.
This will be the main focus of today's news program,
which we will kick off right now with a summary
of the most important news headlines.
Best thing for clogs. My old lady taught me!
Quiet!
Listen!
I hear voices!
See, I told you!
I told you we'd get out of here! Come on! Let's go!
Hold it, relax. You have to give it some time.
It's this way, I'm sure.
Just a little bit farther and we'll get away from all this shit!
As we announced at the beginning of this broadcast,
the leading story of the day is
the occupation of the Cuban Embassy and the taking of hostages
by a radical anarchist group.
The last few hours have seen some new developments
that could prove to be decisive in the development of this crisis.
After the eviction of "The Factory",
the cultural center of these squatters,
the authorities decided to go through
with their previous plans
and as you can see in these images,
recorded only a few hours ago,
proceed with its demolition.
They are telling us that we now have
exterior images of the embassy.
I am Colonel Zuazo and I am taking control of these operations.
What operations are you talking about?
No one told me that you guys were coming
and invading Cuban territory!
The governments of Cuba and Spain have reached an agreement.
You'll have to speak to your superiors.
Now, clear the area and keep everyone away from the embassy!
And I want all of those reporters out of here immediately!
Understood?
You heard him, Cifuentes! So move your ass!
Quick!
What?!
Leave? Just like that?
Fuck, that's what I'm telling you, and I'm your dad!
Listen to me for one time in your life!
You have to convince Grandpa to stop this crap
and get the hell out of there,
because these guys don't screw around, goddammit!
It's the special assault team, I can't do anything to stop them!
Come on, Chuso.
Get the hell out of there!
This really sucks, man! Now what the hell do we do?
We're fucked!
Talk to Grandpa and get the hell out of the embassy.
If there's gonna be hell to pay, I prefer it to come from my dad!
Go tell everyone.
Grandpa?
Grandpa.
Grandpa!
No fucking way, Grandpa, eh?
Simón! Simón!
What happened? What's wrong?
Grandpa.
These are cigars!
The old man carried out his destiny.
Get that fucking camera out of here!
You knew, didn't you?
When did they tell you that they were going to demolish the center?
This is your station, right?
Of course, it was better for you not to tell us anything!
Forget her! It's not worth it
- to let this bitch get to you. - You know?
You little piece of shit!
You make me sick!
Get the fuck out of here!
- Get out of here! - Ignore those fucking assholes.
Happy birthday, Grandpa.
Sons of bitches!
And with the rapid and effective intervention
of the special assault forces to overcome the terrorist group,
the crisis at the Cuban Embassy seems to have come to an end,
preventing the hostage takers from making good on their threats
and carrying out what would have invariably been
a complete massacre.
That is all for now. At this time we will have a commercial break
followed by an in-depth and detailed report
on everything that happened here today
in the Cuban Embassy.
From the very heart of today's most important story,
Cristina Melero, for Infovisión.
We will be back with you in a few moments. Please stay tuned.